


Fear of Sleep

by amoleofmonsters



Category: Free!
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-26
Updated: 2013-08-26
Packaged: 2017-12-24 18:48:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amoleofmonsters/pseuds/amoleofmonsters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru's not sure he can give Makoto everything he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear of Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> This is a request fill based loosely on [ this](http://paradigmation.tumblr.com/post/57948072417/pixiv-id-37507212-member). Hope you enjoy! I feel like the went off the prompt a little. Haha sorry. As much as I love reading smut with Haru, my personal headcanon is that's he's asexual so I'm glad I could finally write about it. Sorry I couldn't write Mako the way he is in the comic, but I think I would end up crying and feeling wrong inside if I tried.
> 
> I'm not actually asexual myself so if I messed anything up, please don't hesitate to tell me!
> 
> Title is named after the song "Fear of Sleep" by The Strokes.

Haru felt a light, happy feeling flicker through his body as Mako kissed him. Mako’s lips were warm and Haru opened his eyes, wanting to see his boyfriend’s face. He was surprised to see Mako’s green eyes looking back at him.

“Why did you open your eyes, Haru-chan?” asked Mako, breaking the kiss.

“No reason.”

“You should really close your eyes when we kiss.” 

“Why?”

Mako rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever.” He went back to kissing Haru, but Haru no longer felt right about it. Before Haru’s eyes, Mako’s face began to warp, twisting into something sinister. Haru pulled away in shock but Mako just traveled lower, kissing down his neck forcefully. Haru tried to pull away, but Mako’s hold on Haru tightened and he yanked down Haru’s pants. 

By this point, Haru began to shake, hot tears streaming down his face as he begged Mako to stop. Mako didn’t listen and lifted up Haru, slamming into him. Haru screamed and clawed at Mako as hot, sheering pain shot through him, but it was pointless. He screamed for someone, anyone, to help him as he was violated, the pain never seeming to stop.

That’s when Haru woke up, his body ripping him out of dreamland. He sat up, feeling completely disoriented, but then he remembered that he was in Mako’s room, that they were having a sleepover. His heart was racing a mile a minute and he could feel his sweat sticking to his hair and clothes. He looked over to his right to see Mako sleeping, face pressed into his futon. Haru knew that Mako wouldn’t hurt him, but his dream still made him feel uneasy. 

Mako had confessed to him a few weeks ago and Haru couldn’t lie and tell him he didn’t share his feelings. He’d been in love with Mako for so long, but as their relationship progressed, Haru became more and more afraid. He knew that Mako would eventually ask him for sex, but Haru wasn’t sure he could give that to Mako. Sex seemed weird and gross to him and as much as he knew he was in love with Makoto, he didn’t want to have sex with him. The idea terrified him far more than it should have and Haru couldn’t help but wrap his arms around his knees, willing himself to calm down. 

Then, Haru felt strong, warm arms engulf him and it was Mako; warm, sweet Mako who deserved everything in the world. “Haru, what’s wrong?”

Haru shook his head. “I’m fine, sorry I woke you. Please go back to sleep.”

“Haru,” said Mako, wiping a finger across Haru’s cheek. “You’re crying.”

Haru turned away from Mako. He couldn’t face him, not now. The guilt of having the dream reared its ugly head and enveloped Haru, choking him. Why did he have to have a dream like that? 

Mako pressed a light kiss to the top of Haru’s head. “Please tell me what’s wrong, Haru. I want to help.”

Haru sighed. He supposed it was now or never. 

“I had a nightmare.”

Mako rubbed small circles into Haru’s back. “It’s okay to have a bad dream and it’s okay to be scared by them. You can talk to me about it if you want.” 

Haru mumbled something under his breath in response. 

“Sorry, Haru, I couldn’t hear that.”

“We were having sex.”

Mako was silent for a while. “Oh.”

“You forced yourself on me. I didn’t exactly want it.” The words felt disgusting on Haru’s tongue, but he forced them out, fisting his hand into the sheets. 

Mako looked downcast. “Haru, I want you to know that I will never do that. If we were to have sex, I want it to be because you want it, too. I want it to be completely consensual or I don’t want to have it at all.” He leaned over and pressed a light kiss to Haru’s lips. 

“That’s the thing. I don’t know if I want to have sex.” He paused. “Ever.”

Mako gave him a sad look. “Oh, I’m sorry you feel that way.” Mako stepped away from Haru, determined to put some distance between the two of them.

Haru grabbed Mako’s wrist. “Wait, no, please listen! It’s not just you. I just don’t really want to have sex with anyone. I think it’s scary and gross and I really don’t want to do it. I’m sorry if it’s important to you. We can go back to being friends if you want, but I was honest when I said I had feelings for you.” Haru felt more exposed than he’d ever felt before and it scared him, but he’d do anything if it meant Mako didn’t get hurt. 

Mako turned back to look at Haru and he was smiling. That was the last reaction Haru had expected and he thought he was an expert at reading Mako. “You’re asexual. Why didn’t you just say so?”

Haru blinked in confusion. “Um… I am?” He didn’t really think he was the budding type – humans weren’t supposed to do that, right? – but if Mako said so…

“Being asexual means you aren’t sexually attracted to people, Haru-chan. Some asexual people are able to have romantic attachments, though.” 

Haru thought about it. It did sound like him. “I guess that’s what I am. I’m glad there’s a name for it. Thank you.” As an afterthought, he added, “Drop the ‘-chan’.” 

Mako gave Haru his biggest smile in response, “But you really shouldn’t worry about it, Haru. I wanna be with _you_ , Haruka Nanase, no matter what. If that means not having sex, then that’s okay. You’re it for me, Haru-chan. Always have been.” Mako leaned forward, but then stopped. “Is kissing still okay?” 

Haru felt a warm feeling bubble up. He felt his face heat up and was glad for the dark. Mako still wanted to be with him and he was asking Haru to set his boundaries. Haru didn’t know it was possible, but in that moment, he fell in love with Mako even more. “Yeah, kissing is okay.” 

And to prove it, Haru leaned up and met Mako’s lips with his own. 

Everything still felt messy and confusing, but Haru knew he could figure it out as long as he had Mako by his side.


End file.
